Day 2. Snow.

So, today I ventured out into this white fluffy stuff some prefer to call snow. I find it amusing that no one can drive about 10mph but on top of that it is downright exhausting when a commute to school that normally takes 30 minutes takes nearly 2 hours. 2 hours.

And now I've figured out why they won't cancel classes. It's because we're already here. I've trekked across campus twice now and my feet are sufficiently soaked inside my boots. This makes for unhappiness.

I'm up to my ears with this professor I have for calculus and it's only day two of his class. I don't think I'm sorry that I have no appreciation for someone who stands at the front of the class and tells me how worthless I am. It's not just one comment, those I've come to ignore, it's taking up a whole hour and fifteen minute lecture on how much we must not understand math when it's 'so easy.' Which, math is easy, kind of. It's just not quite as easy as other things.

My Networks Analysis teacher put it amazingly yesterday morning, "Engineering students are different. You're not Poly Sci Majors or whatever else on there side.", referring to the separation of Speed School and the University itself. But that makes me wonder, what makes us so 'different'?

And I think I know part of the answer. It came from looking at my Psychology classmates compared to my Networks (or Calculus or anything Speed based) classmates. We, being Speed students, don't really care to gossip. That's all I really heard before my Psych class started on Wednesday night. Who partied where. Who slept with who. Who got so drunk they passed out doing something stupid. And who hates what teacher but that happens with us too. It was so petty to listen to. I kept thinking of high school, and how that's what we did there and I now realize just how stupid it really was. It really should make more sense to people when they say "College is nothing like I thought it'd be. It's only a repeat of High School!" Wonder why... Take a look at what you did in High School and compare. :)

I'm ready for the snow to be gone already. That, or stay and snow more, so I can have a few more days off. :)

New Life Lessons.

I didn't realize how much my friends mean to me tonight.
(And not just in a tangible way where I know they'll be there tomorrow and the next day and the day after that but in a way that I can fight with them and argue with them and still have that intense friendship right afterwords.)
I was given insight into a 'new' friends life tonight. And I don't think I have room to complain about anything anymore. Not because his life sucks, but because of how much he keeps it all in. He's failing classes. He's got a crappy GPA. He's got a idiotic sister who ran off and had an abortion without anyone knowing only to be found by the police/FBI later. (Idiotic for running off and not telling anyone, make your own opinions on the abortion side) He's stuck on school to job to homework to nightmares about calculus and programming classes and anything school related. He doesn't want to go to church anymore because he just doesn't believe in it anymore...

And in the midst of him venting this at me I realized that I don't know much about 85% of the people I spend most of my time with.
It's like a light came on (and yes I know how cliche that is...) and now I can't shut it off. These people that I've spent a little more than a year with and I know maybe their birthdays, mostly with the help of Facebook, and/or the small issues that we all have with professors or parents or anything else.
My head hurts trying to figure it all out. And who I want to know more about. And who I don't want to know more about.

There's been a huge influx of people coming into my life and staying recently and I'm not sure how to navigate through those waters. I've had the same friends since seventh grade and I've known lots of people (as I can talk to a brick wall) and I've been around a lot of people all of my life. A lot of the *same* people. We all knew each other because we *all* went to elementary school and middle school together and (go figure) high school too! I've always had new people in small pieces, but now, I've had over 20 new people walk into my life in the past ... two weeks. Which I guess isn't that bad in the grand scheme of things. Its just so much new and I like it, but its pushing overload at this point, but I digress...

The story of my friend, who I've learned so much about in the past twenty eight hours, is really opening my eyes to whats going on outside of my little bubble. I've had these situations before, and learned from them. But this is probably the first I've actually written about in the past year since I lost my journal. I want to be able to know these new/old people like I know myself. And love them, mainly because they deserve it for putting up with me, with everything I have to offer.

Harry Potter and Jesus.

"For those opposed consider this. The dark Lord cannot kill Harry Potter because his mother laid down her life to protect him. Gospel anyone?" @mikedonehey

Wow. I find that a powerful statement. Even if it is comparing the Bible to a work of fiction.

I showed that to my best friend who went to the HP6 premier last night and I got a funny look and a scoff. (I love her to pieces and I want her to know that (if she reads this) that I do in fact still appreciate her opinions. It gets me to thinking. She's smart like that.) But was that really necessary? I guess she felt the need to refute me.

Although, she always does.

What do you think about that statement?

Failing.

I can't say it enough times. "It's okay, you got an F."
But really, it's not one bit okay.

I'm now sitting here contemplating the decisions I made this past year.
Am I really cut out for this.
I know I'll look back later and it'll be a completely different statement because down inside me I really want to do this. It's all I've wanted to do for the past eight years of my life.

I realize I'm whining, but I have no one to tell where I'm at currently. Mother would either be really mad, or just cry. And Dad would just be disappointed. I won't tell them until later. Much much later.

The question that this has jammed into my face is something I already said, "Am I cut out for this?" I honestly want to be able to say yes. But in the past hour that I've been dealing with this I've really come almost full circle. I've slowly realized that yes, I should have studied more and that I can't fully blame something on a professor, although she (and her 18% pass rate) can take some.

I hit angry (even though I told myself I wouldn't) about ten minutes after putting the phone down with Emily.
About a half hour after that, I really wanted to just go crawl under a rock.
And now, as I'm here typing, I'm really just torn up. And just almost to the point of giving up.
I need to reach the stage of being okay with it all but I just can't reach out and grasp it.